Same Name, New Purpose

Life's Little Pricks is going to move in a new direction. One that doesn't revolve around me occasionally bitchin' about the highs and lows that come with having this disease. Instead, I am going to stick to bitchin' about the highs and lows in my own life. I just finished my sophomore year (I finally learned how to spell that word right!) at Manhattan College and this will be my first summer living in New York City. I am in absolute love with everything about this city. The people, the buildings, the sounds, and even the smells (well, some of them!) Let it be know that I am never leaving. After spending two years here I cant even imagine living anywhere else nor do I want to. I am going to list my current aspirations and you can follow along to see whether or not they come true. Note: I am relentless.

Dream Job: Advertising/Marketing for Broadway
Dream Location: Upper West Side (between 56th and 86th)
Closet Dream: Actress on Broadway (no secret there!)


Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill

So here I go... I am in pursuit of my dreams. I understand that success wouldn't be as sweet without overcoming life's many challenges and I will always acknowledge my failures because without them to guide me I would have no idea where I was going.

Control

Where is the control? The balance? How do you find it?

These are the three questions I ask myself almost everyday. I recently went to the doctor and met with a new diabetes educator. As we scrolled through my meter I was forced to acknowledge all of the high numbers I had had this past week, 300, 423, 295, and more. I could feel her judgement. It was like the walk of shame and all the blame was on me. I'm in college... My meter was out of battery... I fell asleep... I forgot... I was stressed... I'm sorry. I tried every excuse I could think of and it didn't make me feel any better. She stared at me. Shook her head. and kept writing. writing little notes... about me and how disappointing I am.

She doesn't get it... any of it. She doesn't have diabetes. She's not in college and she certainly doesn't have diabetes in college. I dare her to walk by the ice cream, cookies, pizza, and french fries everyday in the cafeteria and see how she feels. Everyday it's like a battle. Many times I am able to overcome the temptations but sometimes like any other person would... I give in.

I do my best. I try my hardest. I can't do everything perfectly.

I was frustrated after leaving the appointment. Disappointed in myself... feeling less than. Until I realized... Who was she to make me feel bad? She had no idea how it felt. No idea what a low felt like.. how your forehead starts to sweat, legs start to shake, body feels heavy. Or that a high blood sugar gives you migraines, chapped lips, dehydration. She couldn't make me feel less... only I could.

I looked up. Walked straight to the subway and rode back to school. The entire time I thought about how I could better myself, how I could better my health and then it hit me... I need to take it one day at a time. One meal at a time. One injection at a time. One blood sugar check at a time.

And hopefully after a while everything will fall into place and I will have the control I need to get through the next day, and the next day, and the day after that. It is a never-ending battle but I wont stop fighting... I can't.

One Step at a Time

I am learning a lot about people during my first year of college. I am starting to see that there are a lot of highs and lows in relationships and that some of those relationships don't last forever. Some are long, some are short and others are simply a tease. I have learned that many of these relationships, both fails and successes, will in fact make us stronger and help us grow into the people we were always meant to be. I understand that some of these relationships are crucial to this lesson called life but is it bad to just regret everything as far back as the "hello"? The question "what if" pops into my mind occasionally and I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach begging myself to stop thinking about it all together. It's a scary question. It can be as simple as, "what if I went to the gym more" or even as complex as, "what if I had never met you." I am leaning towards the latter question right now. You think you know someone. You think you understand them. Then there is that moment that you never expected. That moment when you know nothing about them. That moment when someone you felt so close to feels like a stranger, oblivious and distant. Where do you go from there? Do you wait. Do you chase after them? or do you move on completely? You feel them fading away and you're too exhausted to try and find what once was. I'm exhausted and have realized that you can't chase others or try to make something that wasn't there in the first place. If they care they will come and if they don't maybe they were only meant to be a step in your life and not part of the staircase. I feel good and I feel ready to move forward in life with more confidence and independence. Here's to many more failed and successful relationships.

"Sometimes it's just best to accept what's done is done, let it go and move on, tomorrow is a new day what you thought was the end might just be your new beginning." -Anonymous

Freshman 15

The term "freshman 15" refers to the college freshman who gains 15 pounds or more because they are finally on their own and can eat what they want, when they want and their parents are paying for all of it. Unlimited swipes is a term I have become way to comfortable with. It has been a while since I last posted here but bare with me I will fill you in after I get this off my chest. I am a freshman at a small college in NYC but there is nothing small about the cafeteria or the calorie counting. Everyday there is a freshly baked aroma of oatmeal raisin cookies and warm blueberry muffins that flows right past the salad bar and straight towards me. I see the other kids rush with plates filled and I try to fight the temptation but sometimes I give in. Sweets have always been my weakness but usually my mom is there to reign me in. My cafeteria also has a soft serve ice cream machine, soda machine, meat carving station, pizza stand, pasta stand, and all the italian food and bagels anyone could ask for. Not to mention the chicken tenders, burgers, and fries that always draw my attention. The first week I went crazy and ate everything in sight but eating all of these foods (the tasty ones) started to make me feel really bad about myself. My blood sugars started to bounce back and forth and all of a sudden I had no control over my body. I became really sick and felt the only thing i could attribute it to was the poor eating habits that I had developed. So i became pescatarian. This means that I didn't eat chicken, pork, or red meat. I only ate fish. It was really hard to adjust to the lifestyle but after awhile it became second nature. I refrained from meat and soda for a total of 60 days but saw very little results regarding my weight loss. I hit my highest weight in January and decided to get back out there and try to find a diet that worked with my lifestyle. I started Weight Watchers and have lost 15lbs since. I'm really excited about it and cant wait to go shopping for new clothes. Everybody is different and just because pescatarianism worked for my parents doesnt mean it was going to work for me. Finding the diet that works for you is all about trial and error. When I hit that high in January I went to Target and bought Hydroxycut max. I took it in secret for a week and my family immediately noticed a change in my personality. It made me moody, angry, and tired all the time. But when I decided to try a healthy alternative I discovered a healthy result.

Determination Meets Deterioration

I'm terrified. Its hard to fight the feelings of failure! They go away for a little bit but quickly return. I put on a brave face but on the inside I am crying for help. After our Thanksgiving meal my blood sugar was over 600. It was a moment where i should have been laughing with my family but instead was answering questions like, "what did you eat?" or "how could you be so irresponsible?" It was awful. I felt so guilty. I ate exactly the same as everyone else yet i was the only one punished by my body. WHY.WHY.WHY. That's the only answer I seek. I have been drinking the Glucerna shakes thinking i'm helping my body but I find my blood sugar only being higher. I feel like i am being controlled. I'm scared. I am scared for the complications that could occur if i cant get back on track. I'm tired of the looks that people give me when i have a cookie at a party. Is that so wrong? People look at me like, "should you be eating that" and all i can think about is that I'm missing out. I like sugar. I'm 17. I'd be crazy not to. My parents ask me what my sugar is and have always referred to it as them telling me they love me. But now i keep quiet when they ask. I'm scared of disappointing them but am also scared to disappoint myself. In seemed so easy in the beginning. That was when there was a little bit of my pancreas still working but now i am down to 0% of my pancreas working. I pray every night that I will find some miracle to help me control my blood sugar. I take insulin with everything yet my blood sugar is still above 300. Its 291 right now. I don't want to disappoint my family or even myself. I just want to control my life again. I cant do this alone. Im exhausted, disappointed, confused, angry, and anxious. I will keep putting up the fight but if anyone has advice im always open to suggestions. May God Keep Me!

Sweet Relief

Finally,
All 14 of my college applications are done, Such a relief!
Now i can focus all of my time on my Everest Climb.
I started the Glucerna Hunger Smart shakes to see if that helps control my blood sugar and help me lose weight! Praying it works.

144 more days till i leave for Nepal!

I have heard that the shopping in Katmandu is to die for! Hope so cause i cant wait to shop!
Wish me luck on this life-changing journey!

No Inspiration

     "Always do what you are afraid to do."

         Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't want to go to the gym today. Know I have to go though. It will all be worth it when I reach the Base Camp 


I was accepted into the Trek team yesterday! Its official.
Got my Merrells and my North Face backpack!


164 Days!