Where is the control? The balance? How do you find it?
These are the three questions I ask myself almost everyday. I recently went to the doctor and met with a new diabetes educator. As we scrolled through my meter I was forced to acknowledge all of the high numbers I had had this past week, 300, 423, 295, and more. I could feel her judgement. It was like the walk of shame and all the blame was on me. I'm in college... My meter was out of battery... I fell asleep... I forgot... I was stressed... I'm sorry. I tried every excuse I could think of and it didn't make me feel any better. She stared at me. Shook her head. and kept writing. writing little notes... about me and how disappointing I am.
She doesn't get it... any of it. She doesn't have diabetes. She's not in college and she certainly doesn't have diabetes in college. I dare her to walk by the ice cream, cookies, pizza, and french fries everyday in the cafeteria and see how she feels. Everyday it's like a battle. Many times I am able to overcome the temptations but sometimes like any other person would... I give in.
I do my best. I try my hardest. I can't do everything perfectly.
I was frustrated after leaving the appointment. Disappointed in myself... feeling less than. Until I realized... Who was she to make me feel bad? She had no idea how it felt. No idea what a low felt like.. how your forehead starts to sweat, legs start to shake, body feels heavy. Or that a high blood sugar gives you migraines, chapped lips, dehydration. She couldn't make me feel less... only I could.
I looked up. Walked straight to the subway and rode back to school. The entire time I thought about how I could better myself, how I could better my health and then it hit me... I need to take it one day at a time. One meal at a time. One injection at a time. One blood sugar check at a time.
And hopefully after a while everything will fall into place and I will have the control I need to get through the next day, and the next day, and the day after that. It is a never-ending battle but I wont stop fighting... I can't.
I can empathize, but not know exactly what she means. Frau Reinke passed away having dealt with Type 1 diabetes for the better part of 35 years. All I can say is be realistic. Her time, we knew, would be limited. So, she lived. I wrote my third book about her: “Hard elbows; warm heart”. I see from the earlier story from Alma Mater that you have that zest to use time wisely. And, don’t let the “experts” get you down. Frau Reinke used to say: “They may know a lot, but I’m living it.” Big difference. "Bon courage a vous tous"
ReplyDeleteHi Christine,
ReplyDeleteLoved reading your blog and love your enthusiasm for life. You realize that you can't be perfect. That a few bumps in the road won't slow you down. I am proud that you are a Jasper. Neil O'Sullivan Class of 1990.