Determination Meets Deterioration

I'm terrified. Its hard to fight the feelings of failure! They go away for a little bit but quickly return. I put on a brave face but on the inside I am crying for help. After our Thanksgiving meal my blood sugar was over 600. It was a moment where i should have been laughing with my family but instead was answering questions like, "what did you eat?" or "how could you be so irresponsible?" It was awful. I felt so guilty. I ate exactly the same as everyone else yet i was the only one punished by my body. WHY.WHY.WHY. That's the only answer I seek. I have been drinking the Glucerna shakes thinking i'm helping my body but I find my blood sugar only being higher. I feel like i am being controlled. I'm scared. I am scared for the complications that could occur if i cant get back on track. I'm tired of the looks that people give me when i have a cookie at a party. Is that so wrong? People look at me like, "should you be eating that" and all i can think about is that I'm missing out. I like sugar. I'm 17. I'd be crazy not to. My parents ask me what my sugar is and have always referred to it as them telling me they love me. But now i keep quiet when they ask. I'm scared of disappointing them but am also scared to disappoint myself. In seemed so easy in the beginning. That was when there was a little bit of my pancreas still working but now i am down to 0% of my pancreas working. I pray every night that I will find some miracle to help me control my blood sugar. I take insulin with everything yet my blood sugar is still above 300. Its 291 right now. I don't want to disappoint my family or even myself. I just want to control my life again. I cant do this alone. Im exhausted, disappointed, confused, angry, and anxious. I will keep putting up the fight but if anyone has advice im always open to suggestions. May God Keep Me!